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Top 10 Grad School Experiences PDF

By Sandeep Mukherjee 

"Looks! Brains! Determination!

What else do you need?

Grad School !”

That’s what the ETS brochure reads and I wonder…

“Looks!” It’s hard to argue against the notion that we all possess looks. After all, no claim is made to the effect of those looks on beholders.

“Brains!” Here again, that each one of us actually possesses a brain is indisputable. And absolutely no reference to the ability or usage of the brain is made thereby making the statement indisputable.

“Determination!” I’m now in awe of the astute conclusions that the ETS arrived at – determination? Anytime! Never mind, what about!

The logical conclusion – We all absolutely need to go to Grad School !

The skill gap assessment that would cost you a pretty penny in Career Assessment Specialist (Yes! They do exist!) fees is effectively, and concisely, I might add, addressed by a colorful brochure from ETS.

For the weeks and months that follow we dabble with the GRE, SOP, CAT, GPA and a vast myriad of 3 lettered acronyms. The process, not altogether painless, is suitably interspersed with 4 lettered non-acronyms too. The resources on the subject are nothing short of comprehensive.

Having rambled sufficiently, ‘tis time to elucidate the purpose of this elaborately researched and quantitatively sound treatise – i.e. objective of the document being to prepare prospective graduate students for the most important grad school experiences that they’re likely to have.

We live in a world where rankings mean everything and to conceive of presenting lists without ranking them would necessitate the stretching of the mind in true Jane Fonda’s-aerobic video style! And being completely spineless and having no stance on most issues of consequence I’ll feebly acquiesce to society’s demands by ranking the Most Important Grad School Experiences too.

10.  For here or to go?

A few years back a KFC cashier on Brigade Road asked me whether I wanted to “upsize it”. When I politely enquired as to what the devil he meant, he proceeded to give me a look that I would have carried to my grave had it not been for #2 (see below). After all, I merely wanted my darned food!

I swore that never again would I be cerebrally stumped by fast food servers of this world or the next. I have since mastered fast food parlance and can today, with pride and dignity, stare back at them and confidently answer the “for here or to gos” that they throw at me.

9. Running

Several thousand grad student-hours have been spent attempting to identify any semblance of rationality behind the average westerner’s fetish for running. The conclusion - Requiescat In Pace! At any given time, in any given season, anywhere in the United States there is a healthy probability of spotting joggers. Do not stare at them as if to indicate they are, as classicalists would say, nuts! Merely understand that this is a valuable part of your education. Learning to appreciate cross-cultural differences is integral to the graduate school experience. 

8. Free

If there’s a single lesson that one absolutely cannot to without, it’s that nothing is ever Free. The founding fathers of capitalist society would frown upon the notion. As a consequence, please note that free DVDs, free Internet hours etc. that you see so attractively advertised are as real as the returns on Enron stock.  And, do note, that the free sex that you read about from your days in Pilani refers to a world that existed more than 30 years ago.

7. Paper or plastic?

On account of serious linguistic differences a simple exercise like purchasing groceries can, unless carefully handled, become traumatic experiences. At the grocery store’s checkout counter, upon being asked “paper or plastic?” do not feel threatened, do not panic. Go ahead and choose one – they actually let you have the bags for free! The last I checked these plastic bags were as valuable as Enron stock. 

6. You will hear silence at this time!

Humans, in sharp contradistinction to, say microbes, are characterized by the desire to continuously acquire knowledge. Among the many centers of undisputed academic excellence – Online Bill Payment hotlines lead the way! Zen Buddism being the subject of discourse! To the uninitiated, while making telephonic payments you will “here silence at this time”. Do not be flustered; merely marvel at the infusion of knowledge during quotidian activities.

5. Flirting with Customer Service Representatives (CSR)

That’s a No! No! The CSR may have a cute voice, a fake Spanish accent, may even go to the extent of asking you for your personal details, but remember that to stoop to such depravity would be in violation of the exemplary spiritual and moral conduct that is expected of you as a BITSian.  The only exception to the rule is if you’re certain the person at the end of the line is not from outsourced call centers in Gurgaon, New Delhi .

4. Eating out

There will be occasions where your graduate student body will decide to “eat out”. You may then be invited to express your gastronomic preference. Do not, under any circumstance, propose McDonald’s, Burger King or the like even though these institutions, may, in your opinion, be at the cutting edge of the culinary cosmos.  And although the Taco Bell tacos (with rice and beans on the side) may remind you of the chapattis, dal and rajma that you may have eaten back in India , that does not qualify as dinner either. 

3. Drive-throughs

The Central Intelligence Agency originally introduced these to experiment with quarantined communists from ‘ Nam who were frequently known to converse with themselves. Driving up to a seemingly unmanned box, speaking into it, and (it never ceases to amaze me!) have it talk back to you can be a traumatic experience. You would be well advised to prepare yourself – pep talks from roommates are effective – and then take the plunge. Do not attempt to make prior appointments with the box. And oh by the way, don’t forget to take your car.

2. Credit Cards !

All of us have suffered the humiliation of receiving letter after letter of rejection on our credit card applications, while our broke American classmates are covered in enough plastic to warrant a Greenpeace demonstration. It hasn’t prevented us from getting that t-shirt, Frisbee or whatever crap that the credit card sales rep was giving away for filling out those darned forms.  However, once we understand the strategy of acquiring store cards and actually making $2.00 purchases at Montgomery Ward (now bankrupt) and getting a credit history, we have been rewarded finally with the credit card. For most of us this took 4-5 years after we graduated from college, but once in a while for some inexplicable reason, one of us has broken through.  And that has been reason to celebrate with the rite of passage of going out for drinks and making the holder pay for drinks on the card to see if it really works. 

1.       Matrimonial Proposals

And finally, at restaurants, shopping malls and other public places being addressed as “honey!” or “sweetie!” by the attendants is not to be interpreted as a proposal to contract a matrimonial alliance with the speaker. Many a brave BITSian

soul has been slain on similar assumptions. Such interpretations are often seasonal and spring and summer are when you are most at risk – what with the changing scenery and dipping stock of the apparel industry.

That, prospective graduate students, is a $50,000 grad school education in a nutshell. Remember them well ‘coz for these important, and potentially life-altering experiences, there are no make-ups! ! ■

Cartoon credit: Tikka Masala

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